Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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