I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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