dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
