I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How does it feel to date your dad?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
