I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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