So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
