i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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