Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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