Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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