its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
