Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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