Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
