well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
