booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
