dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
