I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
