ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
