I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
