If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
