i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
