I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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