Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
