the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
