I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
