I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
