he thought i was a dude.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
