the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
