genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
