My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
