Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
