tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
