i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
