i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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