I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
