There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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