why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
