Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
