my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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