Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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