We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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