It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
