I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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