just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
