A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
