I seem to have left my pride at pride
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
