Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
