if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
