took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My pussy is not your playground.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
