Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
