Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
