So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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